Seen and Heard

When I was a child, my grandfather would sometimes say, “Children should be seen and not heard.” I wonder how hearing that statement impacted my mom as a child, as well as my siblings and me? I know my mom didn’t pass that sentiment on to her children, but I can still hear my grandfather’s command.

I’ve been thinking about “being seen” lately. But not in my grandfather’s sense. When I think of “being seen,” I mean in the fullest sense. Being seen as a living, breathing, thinking human being. Seen not as my latest hair style, nor through my fashion choices, or where I live, but rather as someone who has lived a full life.

When we meet new people, we rarely have the opportunity or time to give a full accounting of our lives. A new acquaintance or friend only hears a sliver of who we are, what roads we have taken to get here, and the major markers along the way. Maybe over time, we may learn more about each other, but maybe not. Plus, now it is more challenging to remember what people share with me and what I have shared with others.

I think this is why longtime friendships are often the most satisfying. We have a history with each other. This is especially true if we recognize the changes in each other and don’t create a fixed image of one another.

I am so lucky to have a group of friends that I’ve known since elementary school. Even if we haven’t seen each other for a couple of years, it doesn’t take long for us to catch up and be back in sync. Now that we all are semi-retired, we are making an effort to get together a few times a year. I cherish these visits as I feel seen and heard with each of these friends in a way that is rare.

Here are some ways that I try to see and hear others:

• Listen to connect (rather than to judge, question, or debate)

• Ask open ended questions as well as follow-up and clarifying questions

• Don’t ask too many questions (or it can feel like an inquisition)

• Be aware if I am listening with my full body and mind

• Try not to counter with a similar anecdote, unless I am asked (sometimes when people do this, it feels like they are bringing the attention back to themselves or one-upmanship)

• If I am talking with more than one person, try to include others in the conversation

Being present with others is a gift that we can develop if we choose to focus on it. I think it is worth it. Do you?

(Photo above by Sue Schleifer. Pictured are Chubby Carrier and Jordan Schleifer)